by Ainslie Caswell
Content Warning
This essay discusses adult sexual fantasies, sexual violence, and pedophilia from an analytical, firsthand perspective. It contains descriptions of coercive dynamics and references to child sexual abuse. The purpose is examination and critique, not titillation. Please read with care.
I’ve been a sex worker on and off for almost 20 years. In that time, I’ve noticed something that repeats. Men ask the same questions over and over again. For many men, their fantasies are not just about completing sex acts, women’s bodies, or even the sex itself. It’s not even really about power. They want confirmation. Not just consent, but enthusiasm. They want massive amounts of validation.
For them, desire isn’t enough. They want to be desired because they desire so intensely themselves. They demand a mirror.
One of the questions that comes up most frequently with clients is what I like. They begin the interaction by asking me, the sex worker, what I enjoy. They try to engage me as if they are genuinely satisfying me. I grew tired of this. It eventually made me angry. I started telling some of them that it was none of their business. That was personal information. This was a monetary exchange. I was hired to fulfill them and their needs.
It took me a long time to understand that their kink, as it were, was proof of pleasing a woman. They were asking for my personal cheat code. They needed to be told they had succeeded at that task. This was compulsive affirmation-seeking. It wasn’t simply wanting someone to want you. They were paying someone to receive proof that what they want is normal, acceptable, and sanctioned—like I could hand them a receipt. So they began digging into my head, trying to uncover what would genuinely make me wet.
It didn’t help to make things up. I always seemed to give the wrong answer. I wished these confirmations could be scripted, but they weren’t. Many men were hoping that you wanted what they wanted, because that would prove they weren’t weird, broken, or bad. They desperately hoped that their kink was your kink. So even if I said I was bisexual and loved to lick pussy, they might try to redirect me into pegging. The fantasy and the sex worker perform enormous emotional labor—being psychic, creating the perfect scenario—so he can remain blameless for his own shame. It’s exhausting.
Sometimes, when I’m frustrated, my answer becomes: “I like sticking long dildos in your ass.” Honestly, sometimes it works because that’s exactly what they’re calling for. If it’s not, they get honest very fast, because they don’t want to hear any more of my ideas.
Where this becomes most disturbing is when callers are unclear about their taboo intentions. Surprisingly, this pattern shows up often in so-called “age-play” scenarios. Very recently, a caller asked about age limits. He said his fantasy required “a child who is old enough to be aware, and aware enough to understand and enjoy what is happening.”
Very few of the rape or pedophilic fantasies I encounter involve resistance. This still surprises me. What they want is corroboration. The victim’s awareness is used as moral laundering; her enjoyment is used as exoneration. This isn’t about reducing harm. It’s about erasing guilt.
Awareness does not equal consent. Enjoyment does not equal agency. In these fantasies, if she acts like she wants it, then he must not be doing any harm. If she enjoys it, then he must not be doing anything bad. This logic creates a layer of self-protection.
What this ultimately shows is that most men, in my experience, do not want resistance. They want a performance. They want a scripted struggle that resolves into affirmation. This aligns with things like the trad-wife fantasy and other completely fictional versions of women. Resistance introduces uncertainty. And uncertainty threatens the purpose of fantasy, which is to soothe and create a sense of control.
Beyond the victim who affirms his desires, there is the accomplice fantasy. Some clients want another adult present—another woman—who brings him the child, encourages him, normalizes the act, and grants access. This redistributes guilt, creates a shared moral bubble, and externalizes responsibility. The question is no longer “Do you want me?” but “Tell me this is good. Tell me this is right.”
Taken together, these fantasies point to a crisis of moral authority. These men are desperate for permission while refusing to sit with discomfort or ambiguity. Their desires are treated as something that must be justified rather than examined. Women and children become tools for reassurance. And when the wrong questions are asked, we are deleted from the equation and replaced—like a character swapped out in a video game.
Mature desire requires owning what you want and accepting that wanting something doesn’t make it morally acceptable. Emotional maturity is the ability to live with unanswered questions.
Having needs doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human. Even having taboo desires or occupying a moral minority isn’t what makes someone dangerous. What does is demanding that everyone around you sanction those desires and participate in soothing your shame.
Acceptance comes from inside. No one has to want what you want.
Author’s Note
I’ve worked in sex work for nearly two decades, across different formats and contexts. What I’m writing about here is not theoretical. It’s pattern recognition. This essay is not an indictment of desire itself, nor a moral panic about fantasy. It is an attempt to name something I have repeatedly observed: the ways validation, shame, and moral outsourcing shape how many men relate to desire, power, and consent.
This piece is analytical, not sensational. It is written from lived experience, with the intention of clarity rather than provocation. If it makes you uncomfortable, I invite you to sit with that discomfort before deciding what it means.
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